Australian Scientists Say Something Ate a 9-Foot Great White Shark
Yahoo – When looking at incredibly detailed satellite photos of the Earth, or following turn-by-turn directions on the street, it’s easy to forget how much we still don’t know about our planet. The deep sea, for instance, remains mostly unexplored. With all that mystery, it shouldn’t be a surprise that sometimes scary and unpleasant questions present themselves, like, “What could have possibly eaten a 9-foot great white shark?” The story is chronicled in the upcoming Smithsonian documentary, “Hunt for the Super Predator.” As part of Australia’s first-ever large-scale tagging and tracking program for great whites, cinematographer Dave Riggs and a film crew found the perfect specimen. They named it “Shark Alpha” and successfully planted a tracking device on the 9-foot female. Four months later, however, the tag washed up on the beach and was found by a passer-by.
Score another point for not going near Australia or the deep ocean now that there is a Megalodon eating Great Whites. Just because you haven’t seen a sea animal in a thousand or million years doesn’t mean you can classify it as extinct. Maybe it’s not a 70 foot prehistoric shark that ate this one but it was bigger than a Great White Shark and I want no part of it. I’ll do the whole beach thing and chill in the water where I can stand but if you enjoy deep sea activities, then you are asking for Jaws to eat you whole. There’s too much unexplainable shit that happens at sea that can kill you and I’d rather risk my life on land.
Kids at Pennsylvania Elementary fed Dog Treats as Snack
Video to CNN – A Pennsylvania elementary school tells parents their children were given dog treats as snacks. CNN affiliate KYW reports.
I love this move by the teacher that gave out the dog treats. I consider this a stupid test and this kid failed. If the kid is sitting around sucking down milkbones and not realizing everyone else in his class is eating Chewy bars, then what quality of life do we have here? I’m sure he learned from his mistake the next day by shitting his dog treat eating brains out. Talk about a true life lesson. It’s better than getting told by a piece of paper that you answered a question wrong. The parents should be thanking this teacher.
Would You Rather – Be Tortured Wicker Man Style? Or Braveheart Style?
Two fucked up ways to die but you must select one. Let’s get to it!
A classic Nick Cage movie that is unintentionally hilarious. It’s amazing this masterpiece got a solid 15% on RottenTomatoes. “Killing me won’t bring back your goddam honey!”
It begins by propping his legs up on some logs to brutally smash them in half by a sledge hammer wielding guy wearing business casual and a horse head as a hat. Then the famous “Oh no, not the bees, Ahhh!” Finally you are put at the top of the Wicker Man ceremonial statue and the beady-eyed little girl you were trying to save the entire movie lights it on fire, ironically burning you to death. Such a huge defeat on Cage in this movie mentally and physically.
VS.
William Wallace with the 14th Century treason torture of getting hanged, drawn, and quartered. This entails getting tied to a wooden panel and drawn by horse to the place of the execution. Then they hang you to the brink of death. Next, disembowelment, the fun part where they only show Mel Gibson’s top half moaning in the movie. This is where they would cut you open and slowly remove all the organs that wouldn’t kill you. Finally they behead you and chop you into four pieces. Yes he dies but Mel Gibson wins in the end by screaming, “freedom” and obviously kills the King. Epic way to die and you’re a legend forever.
MY PICK:
It looks like it comes down to the question: do I want to die like the sacrificial lamb (Wicker Man) or heroically (Braveheart)? For me, slow and steady death does not win the race. I’ll take two shattered legs and a few thousand bee stings to the face to the top of the Wicker Man to be burned alive. You see how fast that thing burned? Be dead pretty quickly. Fuck dying like the hero. I don’t need my organs and intestines pulled out while I’m still alive. Give me everything Nick Cage.
A Million Ways to Die in the West: Worst Western Movie Ever Made
With X-Men and Godzilla (featuring Walter White) the most appealing movies out right now, my hungover brain thought it was a better idea to pay $11 to see Seth MacFarlane stroke himself for two hours. Monumental mistake. This turned out to be as cheesy as a love story can get and trying too hard to be funny comedy. The only part I laughed at was a ten second scene with Gilbert Gottfried as Abe Lincoln making fun of poor people.
Seth MacFarlane is so fucking full of himself and probably thinks he’s the second coming of Charlie Chaplin. Other than Ted and Family Guy (in the first couple seasons before it got cancelled) this guy produces garbage. Anyone who thought this movie was funny probably still watches new episodes of the Simpsons and enjoys the unfunny puppet sorcery of Jeff Dunham. Fuck Jeff Dunham and fuck Seth MacFarlane.
Let’s go through a cast member run down at who sucked at being funny:
Seth MacFarlane – Obviously I’m not a fan of this guy’s work. This movie was an attempt to make a parallel of the nerd that turns out to be the ultimate catch to represent himself in real life. What an arrogant cocksucker.
Charlize Theron – without credible sources, a post on IMDB said she was an arrogant bitch on the set for this movie. I completely believe it. Charlize seems like a girl that does things strictly for the money. There was probably a decent sized paycheck in sucking face with Seth MacFarlane in multiple scenes and doing a stupid fucking hoedown dance.
Liam Neeson – this movie had to be in between him filming Taken 9 and Schindler’s List 2 because I think he was probably on set for a day.
Neil Patrick Harris – all of his lines were awkwardly not funny jokes about mustaches. This guy is over rated as a funny actor. Never watched a second of How I Met Your Mother but it just looked like a show for peasants.
Sarah Silverman – all the prostitution and sex jokes were close to being funny but it just didn’t work out with Sarah Silverman at the end of the jokes. Casting her as the town whore is just not believable. As soon as the Donald Sterling tape was released they should have recasted this character and given V. Stiviano her big break. She doesn’t need acting lessons for this role and I don’t see how calling her a whore to her face wouldn’t be awesome.
Giovanni Ribisi – usually he’s the seventh main character in every movie he does and he’s decent but in this movie he went full retard.
Amanda Seyfried – her work in this movie was like watching paint dry and the only reason I remember she was in this movie is because they made fun of how big her eyes are.
I would have said “Spoiler Alert” but no one should waste their time with this piece of shit. Does Seth MacFarlane know where poop comes from? Because this movie was ASS.
Philly Throwback Athlete of the Week (Stanley Cup Edition): Justin Williams
Seven career Game 7 goals which is tied for an NHL record and he is regarded as one of the best ever in Game 7’s.
Justin Williams is a primetime example of a player the Flyers gave up on too soon and who went on to achieve greatness elsewhere. It was a combination of injuries and coaching changes that attributed to him getting traded to the Hurricanes for Danny fucking Markov.
People complain about Richards and Carter getting traded but Justin Williams and Patrick Sharp have won multiple Cups. It makes me that much more bitter how the Flyers traded them away for goose shit.
PS
Yes I want the Kings to win because in a city like LA no one will remember they won and no one cares. Flyers fans rooting for the Rangers with the rationale that the Flyers lost to them in the playoffs so we were good enough can eat a dick. New York doesn’t deserve shit with their fraud fanbase.
Scientists Figure Out the Great Mystery of Why Koala Bears Hug Trees
Yahoo – The mention of a koala bear often conjures up an image of an adorable spoon-nosed creature cocking its head to one side while clinging to a tree. Now, scientists have figured out why the iconic Australian marsupials hug trees: The trunks help the koala bears keep cool, according to a new study. “It can be a really useful way of getting rid of heat on a hot day,” said study co-author Michael Kearney, an ecologist at the University of Melbourne in Australia.
Koalas really have the life. They chill in eucalyptus trees to keep cool all day and they eat the leaves to get high as fuck. What’s surprising is they don’t have many natural predators in a place like Australia where there are suicide jumping kangaroos. If you go in the water near Australia a great white shark eats you whole. If you’re on land some kind of poisonous snake or spider takes a bite out of your ball sack while you’re sleeping.
So how does a creature that eats ganja leaves as a life purpose survive? Maybe koala bears should fill out an application for employment and take a fucking risk for once. Get a job you chinky eyed liberals!
Darin Ruf Injured in Iron Pigs Game, Probably Headed to DL
As we’ve seen many times with Darin Ruf playing the outfield, he misjudged a ball. This time he dangerously slid into the the base of the wall on a foul ball that ended up in the stands and now will be on the shelf for some time. The Phillies organization has fucked up so bad with this guy. He was a decent hitter when they brought him up and his natural position was at first base. The Phillies felt the need to turn him into an outfielder since Ryan Howard is unmovable with a contract that ranks just shy of A-Rod and Bobby Bonilla for the worst in sports history.
To add insult to injury, former Phils prospect Jon Singleton played in his first major league game last night and hit a bopper:
This guy was dealt in a four player trade for Hunter Pence by Ruin Tomorrow Jr. Fuck Hunter Pence.
Check Out Dat Ass
And by ass I mean two cheeks and thighs that have more muscle than I have on my entire body. Swap Serena’s bathing suit/tennis outfits for some lingerie, glitter, two dollar perfume, and tassels – you have the ideal stripper you can find working downtown at the low-cost titty bar. The kind of stripper for $20 takes you back for a lap dance and uses her raw power ass to crush your pelvic region for three minutes to a G-Unit song. It takes a special kind of drunk to enjoy that.
PS
Rory McElroy’s ex girl should be taking squat lessons from Serena instead of strutting asses next to her.
Top Prospect Failed to do one pull up at NHL Combine
Yahoo – He’s the best amateur hockey player in North America, he may be the top overall pick in the upcoming NHL draft and he can’t do a single pull-up.
Sam Bennett, 17, said he was “disappointed” with himself for not being able to do a pull-up at the fitness testing during this week’s NHL combine, but experts say he shouldn’t be too worried about that affecting his draft stock.
“I was wanting to do the best I can in every test,” Bennett said. “But, I guess, ultimately games aren’t won or lost if you can do a pull-up in the gym.”
I find it hard to believe someone that is a pro athlete (or about to be) can’t do ONE pull-up. No fucking way 6-foot, 180 pound kid can’t do one. Did he show up hungover or high to the NHL Combine or something? Then I looked at the top of the draft order: Florida, Buffalo, Edmonton, Calgary, NY Islanders, Vancouver, Carolina.
All these teams are drafting in the top every year, stuck in mediocrity, or located in a place where there are no hockey fans. So I’ll call BS on Bennett and say he hurt his draft stock on purpose. Maybe the kid took a fall, maybe he didn’t. He is Canadian after all, so I wouldn’t put not being able to do a pull-up passed him.
dk5107 