Marcus Smith, linebacker/defensive end from Louisville. Eagles needed a quarterback smasher so they drafted a quarterback smasher. He recorded 14.5 sacks last year and was Defensive Player of the Year in the AAC. Potential pass rushing monster.
I’m cool with them moving down four picks and getting a third round pick from Cleveland. Ha-ha Clinton Dix going the pick before was such a ball rubbing tease.
Cancel It. Just kidding but not really.
Some of my solutions to the NBA’s problems:
Flopping has become an art in the NBA. Now if you flop you get fined some insignificant amount of money and nothing deters players from flopping again. Why not charge them timeouts/personal fouls/ejections/suspensions? I don’t care if its a combo of those but basketball has evolved to another form of euro-kickball (soccer). These are some of the biggest and most athletic people in the world and look like the biggest pussies.
The last minute or so of a basketball game can take almost a half an hour to finish. Six timeouts for each team drags the games out to the point where I would consider watching the Arsenio Hall Show instead. Teams already get a bunch of stoppages for the replay reviews and other bullshit like that. Give each team one timeout, add some strategy and make it count.
This last one is a stretch and a dream of mine. It seems like there’s always potential for a good fan-player altercation at a basketball game. So why not let it happen? You want to sit court side? Then earn it. I’d like to see two teams of super humans fight a stadium full of drunk fans. How much fun was it to watch Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, and Jermaine O’Neal fight the fans? In case your memory is fuzzy:
Pure mayhem and chaos. American entertainment at its finest. The sports world was appalled by this but I call it the pinnacle of the NBA. Maybe one day.
As it stands, the team is in last place in the division. You don’t have to hurt your neck to see the teams atop in the standings. The Florida Miami Marlins are tied for first with the Nationals. I expected the Braves to be better. Its safe to say the division is used toilet paper shitty. That’s good for the Phillies because they are also shitty.
Standouts so far:
Chase Utley and Marlon Byrd both hitting above .300 in an offense that doesn’t score runs.
Jonathan Papelbon – In a dumpster of a bullpen Papelbon regained some confidence and has 9 saves in 10 tries. If by some miracle the Phillies get to the 9th with a lead, I’m still hesitant to trust him.
Misses:
Ryan Howard is on pace for almost 200 strikeouts, just the norm for his career. Never been the same since the Achilles injury and has the worst contract in all of sports.
After a night of clutch strikeouts he gets to crush Subway sandwiches and his hot wife:
Dom Brown is treading water right now, batting .230 with one home run. They have no one else to put out there every day. Don’t say John Triple-A-berry.
The pitching staff owns the second worst ERA in the National League. It’s only the third highest payroll in baseball. Surprised the Cliff Lee to the Texas Rangers trade rumors haven’t started yet.
Have Phaith.
Unrestricted:
G Ray Emery – Was a decent backup and when the season was in the shitter he did this:
From that moment everything changed and they rose from the ashes. For the right price he’s worth keeping around.
RW Steve Downie – The Flyers swapped Max TalBOT for him early in the season. He was effective when he first arrived but down the stretch he sucked and took dumb penalties. Any time I think of Downie this comes to mind:
D Hal Gil – Skates like he has cement in his boots. Retirement should be in his plans because he couldn’t do much when Nick Grossmann went down.
C Adam Hall -Contributes a lot for a role player. He won almost 60% of his faceoffs this year. That makes him valuable, especially on the penalty kill which was great this season.
D Kimmo Timonen – Like Hal Gil, his time has come to be put in a home. I’ve noticed a significant drop off with him the last two seasons. Him paired with Braydon Coburn has been a nightmare that results in poopy beds.
Restricted:
RW Jason Akeson – Surprised everyone when he was called up for the playoffs. He played in one game at the end of the year that was meaningless. Akeson looked like a veteran in the series vs. the Rangers. He deserves a shot next fall.
D Erik Gustafsson – He is a younger version of Timonen. Small D man with good hands that can move the puck. Out with the elderly and in with Gus.
G Cal Heeter – From what I’ve seen this guy is an AHL backup lifer. Give me Michael Leighton or Neil Little before Heeter.
LW Tye McGinn – He showed some skills last year but this year I didn’t see it. He lost his playoff spot to Akeson who hadn’t played until game 82 with the Flyers. That’s bad.
C Brayden Schenn- This is a tough one. He’s 22 and put up career highs with 20 goals and 22 assists. But he hasn’t been consistent and what they were expecting in return for Mike Richards. Potential is a dangerous word and it applies here but I go down with this ship and keep Schenn.
KEEP: Emery, Hall, Akeson, Gustafsson, Schenn.
DITCH: Downie, Gil, Timonen, Heeter, McGinn.
We are hours away from the NFL Draft, an event where the NFL milks all the excitement and bends the fans over on all fours from Thursday to Sunday. Having the greatest product in sports, the NFL loves taking advantage of it. I don’t blame them.
Now that’s out of the way, what will the Eagles do? Predicting the NFL Draft is similar to March Madness. The experts don’t know dick about who will be drafted where. Eagles can take the best defender available and it wouldn’t be a bad pick. If they can’t get one of the safeties (Calvin Pryor or Ha-Ha Dix) take one of the horses at wide receiver. The experts say how deep this draft is at WR, so it sounds like you can’t mess up. Just don’t trade down like a bum ass Andy Reid move.
PS
Can’t wait until Mel Kiper releases his mock draft for next year as soon as this draft is done. What a dickhead.
CNN – Chances are you read this sentence about yawning and you yawned. Right? Well, a new study suggests that you may not really be yawning because it’s contagious, or you’re bored or tired. You’re actually yawning because your brain is too hot. A group of researchers at the University of Vienna tested subjects in Austria and Arizona and tracked their activity, finding that that the only significant predicator of yawning was temperature: subjects were much more likely to yawn at higher temperatures. Other factors like sex, season, age, humidity, time spent outside, and hours of sleep the night before did not have a significant effect on the likelihood of a subject’s yawning. Ultimately, it appears that yawning is related to regulating brain temperature and creating a state where arousal in a yawner can be achieved. The idea is that if it’s hot, but still cool enough so that a large intake of air will bring your body temperature down, you’re in perfect storm territory for yawns.
I’m calling bullshit on this study. Yawning because your brain is too hot? There’s not enough activity in my head for hot temperatures and I yawn a decent amount. They say laughter is contagious so why not the same for yawning? I remember in high school taking one of those standardized tests and the passage was about fucking yawning. Not many worse topics. Immediately started yawning. Looked around and everyone around me is yawning. It’s contagious and you do it when you’re bored or tired. Goodnight.
So recently I discovered that I like trash television and I’ve been watching this season of Ink Master. I don’t know why I like this show. I don’t have any tattoos or would consider getting one and yet I watch this shit every Tuesday night. The premise of the show is tattoo artists compete for $100K, a feature in Inked Magazine, and the title “Ink Master,” for whatever that’s worth. It’s hosted by Dave Navarro who is a famous rock star.
And he was married/still bangs Carmen Electra who looks like this:
Along with Navarro the other two judges:
So let me give you a contestant/freak show rundown:
Damon Butler:
He thought he could win after going to art school and tattooing for a year or two. That got him first one eliminated.
Ashley Bennett:
The hottest of the girls on the show but she definitely has too many tats. She was one of the first ones eliminated. And by eliminated she started crying and quit under the pressure of getting critiqued by the judges. Never understood people that come on a reality show and waste everyone’s time. Dumb bitch.
David Bell:
This guy looks like a character that has been to jail and was butt raped into becoming a Neo-Nazi. When he talks he sounds like someone with no teeth flapping his gums. He sucks just like every David Bell before him.
Randy:
Said he was great at portrait style and canvases would end up with a shitty smear on their skin. If you want portrait art get a fucking painting. When the time came for him to get eliminated he claimed they were getting rid of him because he was gay. He went on to complain how they are judging his tattoos based on his sexual orientation. People that play a card like that are the worst. Shut up fag.
Roland:
Specialized in Polynesian tats, aka he draws a lot of lines that look like stupid patterns. He was awful. Just look at this masterpiece he put on someone’s body:
And that’s why you don’t sign up for a free tattoo.
Keith:
Below average artist with slick back hair and a mustache that says “no means yes, time for rape.”
Bubba:
Almost the most normal looking of the freaks until you hear his name is Bubba. A name like that is not to be trusted. Says he’s a self taught artist and it shows cause his tattoos blow dick.
King Ruck:
This guy could pass for the Area 51 alien. In the show, he was not a good tattoo artist. His big moment was when his canvas passed out and it was looking like he was fucked. So he tattooed himself to survive elimination. A true gamer.
Jim:
Yawn. Dude that is just there. The day before he’s about to get eliminated he says he’s colorblind. His tattoos were average and he should go be a professional pig in a blanket.
Kyle Dunbar:
Can you say hopped up on speed? This guy was on last season and America voted him back for this season. Says a lot about this show’s audience. That eye ball tattoo on his throat probably gets him a lot of girls at the bar. There was a fight brewing between this clown and the judge Chris Nunez. All the drama climaxed into a fight similar to a scuffle in today’s NBA. The “fight” resulted in him kicked off the show. Really had high hopes to see this meth head fight.
Lydia:
If they do a remake of the Addams Family she should be the first one at the casting call. She claims to be good at Nightmare Before Christmas looking art but it sucks and she didn’t last long. Not easy on the eyes.
Gentle Jay:
He goes by Gentle Jay but its ironic because he tries to be tough. This guy whines and complains about everything. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy’s haircut also. He somehow gets to the top six with tattoos that are ass.
Melissa Monroe:
I find her more attractive than I should and just like me watching the show I can’t explain why. Is it because the hottest girl on the show quit in the second episode and the other looks like Swamp Thing? Or is it the under rated knockers she has? Good thing they kept her around until the final five.
Sausage:
This little weeble is the one I think is the best artist and should win. The others in the top started to pick on him like school yard bullies but Sausage rose to the challenges. But if tattooing fails him in life, he should turn to either the circus or Linkin Park roadie.
Matti Hixson:
I would describe his look as a modern day jester. I think he’s worn suspenders every episode. He better patent that suspenders look before I steal it. As a contestant, this dude is as good as Sausage and should be in the finals.
Scott:
The almost more calm version of Kyle Dunbar. He even has a red snow flake looking tattoo in the same spot Kyle has that nightmare eyeball. This guy talks so much shit and I can’t wait til he can’t back it up. He’s good, but not good enough to win.
Halo:
I don’t know where to start with this rooster looking thing. He’s got so much shit tattooed on his head I can’t focus. Once you get passed his look, he’s pretty fucking good and a hardo on another level. Diagnosed with cancer, he turned down chemotherapy so he could still tattoo people. Respect for that and wouldn’t have a problem if he won.
The final four left are Scott, Sausage, Halo, and Matti. So there you have it. You’re all caught up on this trash television show. I just entertained and wasted your time.
These Polaroid photos of Miller came out recently. I don’t know how old these are but holy shit, I wish she was still the face of Sports Illustrated. She should get the attention that Kate Upton gets. I’m not a Kate Upton hater but Marisa Miller will still be amazing looking when she’s 60. Upton will be lucky if her tits aren’t sagging at her knees by the age of 30.
I say good for Hibbert because in the East I think the Pacers are the only team that have a chance at beating the Miami Heat. If they stop banging each other’s girlfriends or whatever drama, they can do it. It’s pathetic to have to root for a team full of mood swingers. Also if they told Evan Turner and Andrew Bynum to just stop coming to the games they increase their chance to win by a million.
Watching Evan Turner put up 17 shots to score 15 points on the Sixers was a joke. He fucking sucks and talks like a chode. Notice how the Pacers started their demise when they traded for this scrub. Then they have Andrew Bynum who is a Debbie-downing hustler and contributes nothing positive. Quite the Dickhead Duo.
HuffPost – We’re going to start this article off with a challenge to you, the readers: If not one person comments with an iteration of, “I already had sex with a robot! My ex, amirite?” I will personally fan each and every one of you. But I digress. The Daily Beast reports that one in five people in the United Kingdom would have sex with a robot, given the chance. That’s perfectly fine with us, because we here at Weird News would probably get down with a dalek, too. More than 2,000 responded to the poll at Middlesex University. The study also found that 46 percent of participants felt that technology was progressing too quickly, and at least 33 percent believe robots will one day replace soldiers, cops and teachers. They probably aren’t far off, either: Robots have already replaced hand jobs.
Sure, why not? I am surprised its not 3 in 5 or higher. Yeah, its probably weird to say you’d stick it in a cyborg. How do you know what its like until you do it? I say weird in a good way, not weird in a bad or fucked up way like bestiality. With that out of the way I thought of a quick five robot ladies worth porking:
1. T-X from Terminator 3
Absolute robo dick wrecker. Fell in love with her from the first scene she arrived from the future. A night in bed with her would probably end your life but that’s a way I’d like to go out.
2. Fembots from Austin Powers
Remote controlled android babes dressed like hookers equipped with machine gun titties. Sounds like wife material to me.
3. Alice from Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen
Made this pick mainly for the looks. She’s one that can and will suck your dick straight off your body. But hey that tongue can reach places you didn’t know you had.
4. EVE from WALL-E
The blue eyes, the curves and its true love with EVE. With help she saves humanity. She’s probably too heroic for someone like me. Also bumping uglies is probably not gonna happen so she’s better off with WALL-E.
5. Ilia Probe from Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Have not seen this movie but I have concluded from the pictures that this robo girl is hot. Take a good looking girl. Now picture her bald. Is she still good looking? I think if the girl is still attractive bald then they are genuinely pretty. If a girl can pull that look off then great for them but I’d rather see attractive girls have long hair.
dk5107 